CHAPTER NINETEEN

Principal Pocketwatch was snuffing out a joint when Shersharmjorp entered.
"Willow," he said, "Man do I have a bummer for you."
"Shersharmjorp," she said.
"What?"
"It's not Willow anymore. My name is Shersharmjorp," she affirmed, really starting to settle into the freedom of picking her own name.
Pocketwatch raised an eyebrow.
"It's a... thing," she said, dismissing his eyebrow.
She looked around the office and saw a bunch of things but the only one I'm going to describe is the stamp that reads "I GREW HEMP" that Pocketwatch used to mark dollar bills. Just the kind of man he was.
"Shermashnorp," he began.
"Shersharmjorp," she corrected him.
He sighed. "Shersharmjorp, I've just gotten off the phone with Detective Fart down at the - stop giggling - Detective Fart down at the police station. It's about your mother, Shersharmjorp, like I said over the speaker to the entire school."
"Yeah, that was a little cruel."
"Sure, whatever Anyway, your moms is totally dead."
Shersharmj went stony faced. Not literal stone, you understand. Just a metaphor.
"Yeah, she was pretty gruesomely killed. Like torn apart. Detective Fart -" a crack appeared in Shersh's stony facade (again, not a literal crack or literal stone) "- said it was, like, super nasty."
"My mother is dead?!" Shersh exclaimed.
"Oh yeah. Big time. Like, torn apart and disrespected. Like, organs everywhere and decapitated and - ugh - just gross stuff."
"Oh my god."
"I know!" said Pocketwatch, "and, like, it was weird because there was no blood. Like a vampire tore her apart or something."
DUN DUN DUNNNNNN
"But that's not to say there were no fluids there, oh no," he said, laughing to himself about what a strange day this had been. First the weird dream where his mother gave him all her teeth, then there was that three-legged dog in the park. Now this!
"Fart said they found, like, a pint of some dude's semen in her vagina," he shook his head, "Which they found had been crammed into her mouth."
What a weird day! Ha ha!
"And also a lot of butt lube."
"Oh my god."
"Isn't it crazy?!" he said.
She just looked at him.
"Well," he said, leaning back in his chair, "I guess it's back to class with you."
Shersh shakily got out of her seat and moved to the door.
"Oh, and Shersh?" Pocketwatch said as she grabbed the doorknob.
"Yes, Principal Pocketwatch?"
"Her eyes were, like, totally bugged out and crawling with maggots - even though she'd only been dead a few hours."
Shersh gaped at him.
"Isn't that wild?!"
Shersharmjorp left.
Pocketwatch thought again about that dog. Man, it'd been having a great time chasing a squirrel!