CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO

Shersh went down to the fridge. All the sweaty man/wolf/vampire porkings had left her dehydrated and hungry.
She pulled out some leftovers from last night. Mom's special, meatloaf. She thought for a moment about how she herself was kinda like this meatloaf, dry and salty. But instead of a bunch of meat stuck together with food glue, she was a bunch of feelings stuck together with heart glue, or something.
Also like the meatloaf, she changed shapes depending on its environment. You could bake it in any shape dish you want. And Shersh had been baked in a human shaped dish. And a wolf shaped dish.
She realized the metaphor wasn't perfect and wouldn't fly in English class as she slid the plate into the microwave.
Now it was starting to look like something she really wanted: steaming hot meat.
Yep. She was horny again. Man! Teens!
The microwave beeped and she pulled out her plate of meatloaf.
And then she nearly dropped it because her mother was standing right there.
Well, more like floating.
"Mom?!" she exclaimed.
Ghost Tina didn't acknowledge her. She just started going through the fridge and cupboards gathering ingredients.
"Mom! Can you hear me!? Mom! Mom!"
Shersh set down her plate.
"Hey, Mom, look at me!" she started doing jumping jacks and flailing her arms.
Ghost Tina just kept collecting ingredients. Beef, tomato, bread crumbs, onion.
Shersh reached a hesitant hand out. She pulled back a moment. What was she doing? Touching a ghost? That's crazy!
But what did she have to lose? She reached forward again as her mother set out the eggs and - GROSS!
Ghosts are cold, sticky and weird.
Shersh immediately regretted it.
And it didn't seem to do anything anyway. Ghost Tina kept going with the ingredients.
Ingredients for meatloaf.
It clicked for Shersh.
"Mom. Are you reliving your last night?" she asked expositionally.
Ghost Tina cracked an egg.
Shersh pulled up a chair.

CHAPTER TWENTY

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CHAPTER NINETEEN

Principal Pocketwatch was snuffing out a joint when Shersharmjorp entered.
"Willow," he said, "Man do I have a bummer for you."
"Shersharmjorp," she said.
"What?"
"It's not Willow anymore. My name is Shersharmjorp," she affirmed, really starting to settle into the freedom of picking her own name.
Pocketwatch raised an eyebrow.
"It's a... thing," she said, dismissing his eyebrow.
She looked around the office and saw a bunch of things but the only one I'm going to describe is the stamp that reads "I GREW HEMP" that Pocketwatch used to mark dollar bills. Just the kind of man he was.
"Shermashnorp," he began.
"Shersharmjorp," she corrected him.
He sighed. "Shersharmjorp, I've just gotten off the phone with Detective Fart down at the - stop giggling - Detective Fart down at the police station. It's about your mother, Shersharmjorp, like I said over the speaker to the entire school."
"Yeah, that was a little cruel."
"Sure, whatever Anyway, your moms is totally dead."
Shersharmj went stony faced. Not literal stone, you understand. Just a metaphor.
"Yeah, she was pretty gruesomely killed. Like torn apart. Detective Fart -" a crack appeared in Shersh's stony facade (again, not a literal crack or literal stone) "- said it was, like, super nasty."
"My mother is dead?!" Shersh exclaimed.
"Oh yeah. Big time. Like, torn apart and disrespected. Like, organs everywhere and decapitated and - ugh - just gross stuff."
"Oh my god."
"I know!" said Pocketwatch, "and, like, it was weird because there was no blood. Like a vampire tore her apart or something."
DUN DUN DUNNNNNN
"But that's not to say there were no fluids there, oh no," he said, laughing to himself about what a strange day this had been. First the weird dream where his mother gave him all her teeth, then there was that three-legged dog in the park. Now this!
"Fart said they found, like, a pint of some dude's semen in her vagina," he shook his head, "Which they found had been crammed into her mouth."
What a weird day! Ha ha!
"And also a lot of butt lube."
"Oh my god."
"Isn't it crazy?!" he said.
She just looked at him.
"Well," he said, leaning back in his chair, "I guess it's back to class with you."
Shersh shakily got out of her seat and moved to the door.
"Oh, and Shersh?" Pocketwatch said as she grabbed the doorknob.
"Yes, Principal Pocketwatch?"
"Her eyes were, like, totally bugged out and crawling with maggots - even though she'd only been dead a few hours."
Shersh gaped at him.
"Isn't that wild?!"
Shersharmjorp left.
Pocketwatch thought again about that dog. Man, it'd been having a great time chasing a squirrel!

CHAPTER EIGHT

"Wait a minute," said the handsome, young, possibly underage vampire, "Are you telling me that instead of banging the person everyone thought I was banging, I was banging her mother?"
"Who's 'everyone'?" asked Tina.
"Oh, I-"
"Doesn't matter," she said, "Yes."
"Okee doke."

"Say," Tina began, "What's your name, you handsome and probably emotionally complex teenager with parents that don't understand you?"
"Me?" asked the vampire - you know, the only other person in the room where the sex was, "I'm Jonathan."
Wait for it.
"Jonathan Mooseknuckles."
"I'll remember that name," said Tina, "Sounds important. Now, are you ready to pork me again?" she said, breathing huskily into his ear.
"Where'd all this shucked corn come from?" Jonathan asked.
"Oh, I needed the husks for my breath. I can stop if you want."
"No," he responded, "It turns out naked corn is a turn-on for me."
"Jiffy pop!" yelled Tina before they reporked.
The corn came in handy.

CHAPTER SIX

"Oh man, that was so good. My privates are so slammed," she said.
"Yeah, I know," he said, vampiricly, "I've been practicing with, you know, like, books and movies and props and such."
"And such?" she asked, askingly.
"Yeah. You know, well, like straps and things."
"Oh, OK," she said with her mouth.
"Do you know my daughter?" she continued, "She's a werewolf. I'm Tina."