CHAPTER TWELVE

Jonathan Mooseknuckles was lounging hotly and handsomely in his chair in math class.
"I don't even need this class," he thought to himself. He picked his nose and flicked the booger out the window.
"Mooseknuckles," said the teacher, "You don't even need this class. You're a genius who has already been accepted to Yalvard College, the secret college for super geniuses. And you're one of the few models to grace the cover of Playgirl AND Playboy."
"Thanks?" said Jonathan.
"Just providing a little background," said the teacher whose name wasn't important.

CHAPTER EIGHT

"Wait a minute," said the handsome, young, possibly underage vampire, "Are you telling me that instead of banging the person everyone thought I was banging, I was banging her mother?"
"Who's 'everyone'?" asked Tina.
"Oh, I-"
"Doesn't matter," she said, "Yes."
"Okee doke."

"Say," Tina began, "What's your name, you handsome and probably emotionally complex teenager with parents that don't understand you?"
"Me?" asked the vampire - you know, the only other person in the room where the sex was, "I'm Jonathan."
Wait for it.
"Jonathan Mooseknuckles."
"I'll remember that name," said Tina, "Sounds important. Now, are you ready to pork me again?" she said, breathing huskily into his ear.
"Where'd all this shucked corn come from?" Jonathan asked.
"Oh, I needed the husks for my breath. I can stop if you want."
"No," he responded, "It turns out naked corn is a turn-on for me."
"Jiffy pop!" yelled Tina before they reporked.
The corn came in handy.

CHAPTER SIX

"Oh man, that was so good. My privates are so slammed," she said.
"Yeah, I know," he said, vampiricly, "I've been practicing with, you know, like, books and movies and props and such."
"And such?" she asked, askingly.
"Yeah. You know, well, like straps and things."
"Oh, OK," she said with her mouth.
"Do you know my daughter?" she continued, "She's a werewolf. I'm Tina."

CHAPTER FIVE

Later that night, they did.
Although they didn't touch them together so much as they just slammed 'em into each other like an overactive kid with two matchbox cars.

CHAPTER FOUR

"Oh man. Being a secret vampire is so hard," he thought. But she couldn't hear it; he was just thinking.
"That woman is totally hot looking," he continued to think in his brain.
"I hope that sometime we could touch together our bits."
He approached her.

CHAPTER THREE

"Who is that?" she thought to herself, "Oh, that same sexy teen I always see.
"I hope he notices me this time."
She looked in the mirror nearest her. She was in a gym. There were mirrors all over the place.
But not "weremirrors." Not, like, werewolves but instead of turning into wolves you turn into a mirror and that's the real reason you shouldn't break mirrors.
Regular mirrors.
"Ugh," she thought to herself, "I feel so plain. I wish that hot boy had a terrible secret. Like he's secretly a vampire so I could share with him the secret that I'm secretly a werewolf and we could talk and make out and maybe find love in this crazy messed up world and also maybe he could squirt fluid inside me.
"I just want him to have a secret," she thought.